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I will hear it, but I will not accept it.

This probably sounds like denial. I know my neurologist thinks so. I’ve seen him three times now – my initial appointment, a follow-up appointment after the hospital stay and then a six-month follow-up in December (the one where he told me my lesions decreased in size). And each time he’s talked to me about how there are many stages a person goes through when they are diagnosed with MS – initially denial – which is “okay for me to feel that way.”  I’m not exactly sure why I always get the “denial” speech, but I can only assume it’s because I’ve refused medication as a treatment option.

I let him talk. I know he won’t understand that just because I don’t accept it (or accept the standard medical treatment), doesn’t mean I’m ignorant to the fact that something went wrong with my body. I just believe that I can be healed.

Occasionally I watch the 700 Club. Most of the time the show features a testimonial – someone who has turned their life around because of God, was healed because of God, got out of debt because of God… I’m sure you see the underlying theme here. Some people don’t believe, but I do.

One night the show featured a woman who had TMJ. None of the treatments were working and the doctor told her the only way to fix the problem would be surgery. I remember her story because she said “when I prayed, I told God I will hear it, but I will not accept it. I know you can heal me.”  And she did not have to resort to the painful surgery because her TMJ went away.

I have the utmost respect for medical professionals and their knowledge. My sister is a physician assistant and I know she is extremely dedicated to her patients and to helping them heal. But that doesn’t mean it’s the only way you can get better.

I refuse to accept multiple sclerosis. I’ve heard it, I know the evidence is there, but I refuse to “accept” that it will always be with me, that it will paralyze me and that there is nothing I can do about it.

Along with changing my diet and making sure I exercise – I can pray. And I think that prayer is the most powerful medicine.

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